The long-awaited results of a survey by the What Women Really Want Int’l Organization were announced this week at the UN. The Commission on the Status of Women convened to celebrate International Women’s Day and Dr. Matilde Jones, Chair of Research at WWRW, presented the highly anticipated report to a standing-room only crowd.
Dr. Jones: “Thank you very much ladies. I am delighted to represent the What Women Really Want Int’l Organization at this venerable forum. The WWRW, a worldwide consortium, took great care while doing this survey to ensure every woman’s voice was heard and that every opinion any woman ever had was well-documented. I am honored to relay these important findings. Our study, conducted over many decades, garnered responses from countless women worldwide, encompassing all age groups, nationalities, races and religions. To be as thorough as possible, historians scrupulously combed records in universities, museums and libraries worldwide to ensure that the thoughts and opinions of women from past ages were also duly noted.
“The results were painstakingly tallied and recorded by volunteers from each of the 195 countries in the world. The account totals over 10,000 pages single spaced; the footnotes alone exceed thousands of words.”
“Not surprisingly, our research revealed a wide variety of hopes and dreams shared across the female spectrum. As part of the investigation, we also learned quite a few things that women do not want. For example: Women do not want to be cut off or interrupted when they are speaking and do not ever want to be taken for granted. They do not want their husbands to dominate possession of the TV remote control or to change channels without being consulted. Most importantly, women do not want to be told they are being too emotional and that they should ‘just calm down.’”
Murmurs and nods of agreement rippled through the gathering.
Dr. Jones continued: “The list of things women desire is too long to be stated all at once, thus the report presented today summarizes only the top ten truly important things women really, really want.”
“Starting with number ten and counting down to number one, they are:
Number 10: Women want to go shopping at a moment’s notice, preferably with a fistful of gift cards.
Number 9: Women want their jeans to look and fit like they did in high school; survey results clearly show that the addition of spandex was a God-given act of brilliance.
Number 8: Women want their partners, spouses and kids to help with the housework and to pick up after themselves without being constantly nagged to do so.”
Enthusiastic cheering and clapping interrupted the proceedings, followed by a standing ovation. Dr. Jones smiled her appreciation and carried on: “Thank you ladies. Please do take your seats. There is much more to relay.”
“Number 7: Women want their grown children and grandchildren to call and visit more often. See footnotes on the PCYM (Please Call Your Mother) Association.
Number 6: Women want an entire, uninterrupted day to themselves, when they can do whatever they want and not even have to think about making school lunches or dinner.
Number 5: Women want more foot rubs from their partners while watching TV.
Number 4: Women want equal rights and equal pay. Financial independence means a secure future for all (and, of course, more shopping).
Number 3: Women want a seat at the table, not just the responsibility of setting it for dinner.
Number 2: Women want an uninterrupted good night’s sleep, free from loud snoring or pets demanding to be let out.”
“And, coming in at number one …” A buzz ran through the crowd in anticipation of what the leading result would show.
“The top item speaks to what women the world over have wanted for eons:
Number 1: What women really, really want is to simply decide for themselves what they really, really want without anyone telling them what they should want or what’s best for them.”
Every woman in the room leapt to her feet. Cheering loudly and hugging each other, it was clear they felt acknowledged.
“Thank you, ladies, for your kind attention. I congratulate each and every one of you for continuing to pursue what you really desire.
“And, as a thank you for attending today, you will each receive an advance copy of our upcoming report - “What Men Really Want and How to Give it To Them.” Among other items, it includes a section on how to find and book “guys only” vacations for your spouse so you can have some much-needed time to yourselves as well as tips on how to keep quiet and not reach for the remote while he’s watching his favorite TV shows.”
© 2024 Annie Sokoloff
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